When it all changes...

Have you ever been blind-sided? Happily taking the path you confidently believe to be the correct one...then WHAM....the course changes. It leaves you in a head spin with a bit of whiplash and confusion. 

That kind of sums up the last month or so. 

A year ago, we very confidently and boldly answered the call to begin the process of adoption. I was extremely thrilled to have my body back and have no plans whatsoever of having to go through another pregnancy. I brought up the 'permanent' option to Kyle several times, but to no avail. We were so excited to expand our family through international adoption, and our eyes (as well as our kids') we're opened to new and exciting possibilities and a larger worldview. 

For over a year, I have been praying for two brown-eyed babies I've never met. Aching for them to be a part of our family here. 

Then sometime in early December, something happened. One day, I felt a long-forgotten ache. The ache to be pregnant. The ache to hold a newborn. Feelings I had worked through, and were only a memory. I had happily given away or sold almost all my maternity clothes. I was relieved to not have to go through all the pregnancy yuckiness again.....

Then WHAM. As if walls were crumbling down around me, my emotions and thoughts were flipped upside down. Confusion doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. 

After several weeks of this, I finally brought it up to Kyle, hoping he could help me make sense of it. Though we couldn't figure it all out, it seemed undeniable that some significant healing has taken place in my heart. It seems God was changing my heart, although I wasn't sure why or what it would all mean in the end. 

Then it happened. January 21 brought us a surprise like none other. The little lines formed a 'plus' sign. Denying the truth, I ran to the store for a different test. 'Pregnant' popped up on that one. Wow. This was not part of the plan. 

So, we had some decisions to make. Forge ahead with the adoption? Postpone? Withdraw completely?

I was heartbroken for the possible loss of the babies I had yearned for for so long. And I surprised myself at being giddy...elated...and overjoyed at being pregnant. (Had this happened even three months ago, I would have been devastated, because I really never wanted to be pregnant again.) It is awkward, at best, to feel two warring emotions so strongly at the same time. But, that was my reality. 

After much consideration, prayer and searching the Word, we have decided to put the adoption on hold. Hopefully later down the road, we can revisit this amazing option. 

I just know that subjecting myself to the overwhelming stress of trying to finish paperwork and fundraising tens of thousands of dollars wouldn't allow me to focus on having a healthy pregnancy and enjoying this surprise miracle to the fullest. I want to be fully present with my children here and not be so miserable with pregnancy symptoms, on top of major stress, that I'm just not an effective and loving mom. 

No sooner had our hearts settled into this new reality, than the bottom threatened to fall out. A few weeks ago, I began what I thought was a miscarriage. An early ultrasound showed only a yolk sac, measuring two weeks behind, and no fetal pole. Heartbreak doesn't cover it.  They began testing my hcg levels, and four days later, we were told that my labs were perfect. My levels were rising like normal. Hmmm....

So we waited several more days for the next ultrasound, which was almost two weeks ago. The ultrasound tech had no problem finding the baby with a strong heart rate of 169! Not only that, but the measurements were EXACTLY what they should have been! Another ultrasound on March 4 showed our little one waving at us and wiggling around. It has been such a time of ups and downs, and I am thankful for an awesome OB office staff who is taking extra great care of me (and my nerves). Praise God that so far all seems wonderful. This miracle has shown itself over and over.  

So, it is with cautious joy that we hope in the future for our family. We know there are many possible outcomes, but we trust in the One who created this tiny baby, that He will be with us regardless of what happens. Would you join us in prayer...for a healthy pregnancy and baby, and for unwavering trust when fears from past experience creep up.

We already have many prayer warriors...a few of the pint-sized variety. My friend texted this to me last week. She is referring to her 7 year old daughter. :)

"I was up in Wrigley's room and I looked in her little prayer box and found a prayer written on a little piece of paper in her handwriting saying " please God help Maggie and Wills baby grow big and strong so they can take him home with them". I started crying and wanted to share with you!  Things are misspelled but the desire of her heart made me so happy."

And, I will second Maggie's prayer, prayed on the night we told the kids. It goes something like this: Dear God, please keep our baby safe. And please let us keep him as long as we can, and forever if that's ok.