What I Know for Sure

31 weeks today. Hard to believe.

We saw the doctor on Friday, and everything continues to be "normal."  He says that if I am still hanging in there at 36 weeks, we'll start checking for dialation, etc., just like a regular pregnancy. I will see him every two weeks for the next few weeks, so for the moment, we'll just keep on keeping on. :)

My eyes have been opened to many things over the course of this trial.  I have felt for several days that the Lord has been prompting me to write about them and share what He has done and continues to do.  In Oprah's terms, I think she calls this her "What I Know For Sure" section.  So, as I've done from the beginning, I hope to convey to you, dear friends, the truth. The undeniable reality of the Lord in our lives right now....and hopefully do justice to the amazing ways in which He is at work.  Sit tight, it's gonna be a long one. ;)

What I Know for Sure

* This Earth is not our home.

I have never been one to think too much about heaven and the joys that lie there, just waiting for us.  I have lost a few loved ones, and rejoice when I know that they loved the Lord and are now made perfect, living with him.  In those times, I would think about it, but not in the way I do now.  Before, it was a place that I knew I would see sometime, hopefully in the far future, and be reunited with all the ones who have gone before me.  Now, however, I know it to be the place that my child will live their entire life. It isn't a far off, too-hard-to-grasp destination....it is the place where no pain, no sorrow, no fear or struggles exist. It is pure joy. Pure worship. Pure love.  It isn't a place I fear or rarely think about anymore....it is my home...a home that I am homesick for.  I am thankful for this life and cherish what I have here on earth, but I daydream now about getting to know my child, being surrounded by those I love, and seeing Jesus, who is more real to me now than ever.  This life truly is only a vapor in the scheme of our lifetimes.  I love an illustration I recently heard.  Death was described simply as us stripping off this old body like a winter coat, leaving it behind, and walking straight for the Lord.  The fear of death I use to have isn't there. Only anticipation for seeing my sweet heavenly father.  I do still hold a healthy dread for seeing death on this earth and being the one left behind to grieve, but I rest assured that the one who has tossed their broken body aside and is moving on to perfection in heaven isn't worried or sad, or wishing they could turn back. They will be celebrating and praising unashamedly at the most joyous time in their life.  I hold a beautiful picture in my mind, that although I am planning a funeral instead of painting a room and washing baby clothes, THE LORD is preparing a room for Elijah. A perfect room.

* God nevers leaves us.

I have written about the refining fire, and how God walks with us through trials.  Just a few days after that particular post, in my Bible study on the book of Daniel, Beth Moore addressed the same thing, in a most literal sense, as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego are thrown into the fiery furnace.  This situation, as with all others in this life, did not surprise God.  He knew it before it was even a thought in Nebuchadnezzar's pompous mind.  These three men refused to bow down to the image of gold set up by the king, and as a result, the furnace was heated seven times hotter. As they faced the king, listening to the deafening roar of the furnace behind them, they responded, "King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesty's hand.  But, even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)  Then, the men were bound and thrown in.  The sheer heat on the outside on the furnace killed the men who threw in Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  The three friends, upon being thrown in, had their bonds burned off, but were not alone.  As the guards looked into the furnace, they saw not three, but four men walking around in the flames.  God had not left his people in their greatest time of need. He was in the fire with them!  Beth related this scenario to our lives now, in that in every fiery trial, there are always four people present. We are the fourth...the holy trinity is the other, most prevalent component.  Praise Him that He is with us!!!  Later in the book of Daniel, we see Daniel being thrown in the lion's den.  Just like his buddies, who came out of the fire not even smelling like smoke, Daniel was put in a most terrifying, seemingly hopeless situation, where he was sure to be overtaken.  But, our God is faithful to his faithful ones!  He shut the mouths of the lions and was with Daniel in his turmoil.  After this dire situation had passed, Beth said, do you think that Daniel would have really traded the terror of his situation and miss out on experiencing God in that way?  Of course not! He was able to encounter God in a real, intense and amazing way.  Why would he want to miss out on that?!  Considering the wonderful side of Daniel's Lion's Den experience, Beth had us write in our workbooks the following: We have opportunities... *to experience gloriously intense encounters with God. *To emerge from a terribly hurtful situation unhurt.  *To see a worldly Darius (king at the time) become impressed with our God.    I was dumbfounded by the reiteration of so many things I have been feeling, as I heard her words.  I am not saying that I love our situation.  But, in a way that even I can't understand, I don't think I would change it.  Of course I want to have our baby with us through this lifetime. Of course I am about to experience the greatest pain a parent can face.  But through the weeks of grief and fear and uncontrollable emotions, God has been there. In a more real way than I can ever express with words.  I have told some people that I truly wish every one of you could experience God like this.  I would never want you to have to endure the heartache, but the presence and love and truth of our living God is so beautiful, that I can't imagine life without knowing it now.  I would not turn back to the person I once was.  And, from the very beginning...literally on the way home from St. Vincent's after having our first ultrasound, Kyle and I could only hope that God would be glorified in it.  We don't hang on to Him out of fear, but out of sheer need. We know we cannot do this without Him. He is using us for His purposes, His plan. We give Him all the glory simply because there is no other way to live. We are His, and pray fervently that our experience with Him and with Elijah will draw others to Him. 

* God is the great Healer.

I have been overwhelmed in the last week with stories of miraculous healing....from many different sources, at many different places.  From the get-go, we have prayed for healing, but not consistently. We prayed more that God's Will would be done above all.  I also think that our human minds couldn't handle the false hope of praying for healing, then not getting it...we couldn't stand the thought of holding out hope then being crushed all over again.  And, we have always felt strongly that this wasn't the outcome God had for us, but that He was using us to speak into other's lives in how we deal with our situation.

I know many of you, friends and family, have prayed for healing for us, when we didn't have the strength to do it ourselves. And, I greatly thank you.  Facing the "facts" and the long list of problems, dealing with the reality, and planning for the rational outcome is the only way I have felt lead to deal with our situation.  Recently, however, I have felt strongly that yes, healing is coming.  It may not be the way I want it...bringing home a healthy baby to raise, but it will come.  Whether God performs a miracle of healing for Elijah's little body here on earth, or when He welcomes him/her into His arms in heaven, my baby will be healed.  And, one day, our hearts will be healed.  Again, back to Beth Moore (I think she's amazing, if you can't tell)....she said last week in our study..."You DO NOT have the only situation that God cannot fix!"  God wants us to talk with Him, to pray to him. He tells us to ask for what we want and need, and to not be anxious about anything!  I have boldly told Him that I want a healthy baby.  I trust Him to answer that prayer in whatever way He sees fit. He knows what we need more than we do. He knows the grand scheme of our lives.  He is in control in a way that is above my own thinking, and I humbly, willingly and thankfully rest in His divine plan.  Regardless of our outcome, all I will be able to say is Blessed be the Name of the Lord!  Nothing else really matters.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:10-11



One quick prayer request:  Our sweet Maggie is in a tough period of trying to process through death.  She is asking many many tough questions, many many times a day.  She is afraid of dying, doesn't understand why we have to die, etc.  We are patiently trying to answer her repeated questions in a way that doesn't cause fear, but directs her to the joy of heaven for those who believe in Him.  I worry about how she is handling everything and will in the coming weeks.  Thanks for praying for our wisdom as we answer, and her understanding as she tries to figure this out.