a little beacon

Here we are...it's Wednesday again.  Wednesdays were hard days for me for many weeks after losing Elijah.  Today, I realized that it was Wednesday. Then, I realized that I didn't know how many Wednesdays it had been since we lost him.  I suppose that's a good thing...a sign of healing, that I don't have the need to keep track of the days and weeks.  It's gone from "it's been ____ weeks" to "man, can you believe it's been three months already?"  Time does have a way of healing the hurt.

Situations, however, bring it all flooding back.  I became acutely aware of my lack of remembering the weeks because today we took the kids back to the Children's Museum....the last place we went before we had Elijah.  Everywhere I turned, I remembered what we did the last time we were there, when Elijah was with us, how oblivious I was that three days later I would lose him.  It was a good day with Maggie and William, and we had a blast, but underlying all that was severe hurt and rememberance. Everywhere I looked, there were beautiful pregnant ladies, and I had to wonder if any of them were in my old shoes...trying to enjoy life under the weight of terrible pain and grief of what was to come.  At the other end of the spectrum, I would see all the moms with baby carriers strapped to them, chasing their toddlers and think...that should have been me.  I don't normally get all crazy about seeing moms with small babies, but it was tough for me today, in that place. 

To top it off, tonight, I was out driving after visiting my best friend to take her birthday presents (HAPPY BIRTHDAY APRIL!) when I had to drive by the cemetery for an errand.  On Memorial Day, we put out a solar cross.  I had driven through one evening just after it got dark and saw that it glowed super bright, but tonight, I could see it glowing all the way from the main road, and I just broke.  His light shines brighter than any around his area, like a little beacon....and I could only think...how brightly the Lord's light must be shining where he is now.  I'm sure it's more breathtaking than I can fathom. 

It has been so long since I just allowed myself to sob....so I guess I was due a good one.  It was refreshing in an odd way.  Even though it's good that I've lost track of the weeks, there is a part of me that feels guilty about it...as if I've allowed myself to move on too quickly or something.  In no way will I ever forget, but I have to continually remind myself that it's ok to let myself heal. Or have bad days. Or lose my mind periodically. Or be blissfully happy at the little family I have.  It's all ok.

While still in the car, the song The Hurt and The Healer was playing, and sent my emotions wildly back to where I cling to God the most (a place that I don't visit as frequently and miss desperately).  It is beautiful, and just as a few other songs have been (thank you Matthew West and Laura Story) it will be a "theme song" if you will, of this part of my journey. 

*As a quick follow-up on my friend Mara in California. She is scheduled to meet her baby girl Julia on June 16.  Please continue to keep her and her family in your prayers.