Laying it down again...

All outa whack. 

That's kind of how I've felt I've been for months now. Most things seemed to be just a bit off. I just had the nagging feeling that I was getting it all wrong. That my priorities were off. That my temper was high. That my anxiety had gotten a foothold again. Not a fun place to be. 

It's maddening when you've been so closely in communion with God, when you've truly relied on Him to carry you through each day, and one day you wake up to realize that you've thrown it away. That you've tried to take back the worry, control, anxiety and trust you so heartily gave Him months ago. 

I think it's easy for us as humans to rely on ourselves so much when things are 'ok.' We trick ourselves into thinking that our own strength is enough to power us through the daily grind. I didn't even realize I had gotten back to that point until the last few days. Couldn't put my finger on it. 

Talking with a dear friend tonight, we marveled at how ridiculous we humans can be, clinging so desperately to Christ when we know that nothing else can see us through our circumstances. And NEVER wanting to lose that closeness and communion with Him...Then one day opening our eyes to the truth of how far we've strayed from complete dependence. I have spent months berating myself for not 'being' enough, 'doing' enough, loving enough and trusting enough. Of course I'm not. Not without Him. I never will be. But I tried to do it...in MY strength, not His. And that's where I failed. 

It's just not working anymore. I am eternally grateful, however, that I serve a patient, gentle and loving God, who can love me in my messy-get-it-all-wrongness. 

As I angrily sat in a hospital room last week, wondering why my precious girl had been allowed to go through another painful injury, and how my nerves could handle her going under anesthetia (with my mind racing through all the horrible worst case scenarios), He was patient. When I cried out to Him that I didn't know how I could handle this stress on top of trying to find a home before my husband leaves the country for weeks...and trying to manage my kids alone and deal with house stuff and adoption stuff, etc, etc, He quietly reminded me that He was still there. That He was still in control, and I didn't have to be. He allowed me to work through it, and then gently lead me back to the rational place of trusting Him even when I can't see the outcome. Even when I don't know how it's all going to turn out. Haven't I been here before? Why was it easier to trust then? Because I knew I didn't have the strength, instead of now pretending I did, or should? Perhaps I think that since I've come out stronger from previous trial that now I'm tough stuff and can do it on my own. Boy, is that crazy. 

So, after many months of being overly hard on myself...for being a 'bad mom,' a 'mediocre wife', a 'lousy friend,' a 'bad housekeeper', 'too needy', and too overwhlemed, I'm giving it up. Back to the place where I know it's taken care of. I'm broken. Just as broken as I ever was and just as broken as I'll ever be. I'm nothing without Christ.