Not a backup plan

I've been thinking a lot lately about 'our plans.' You know, ours. The ones our finite, human minds, with no knowledge of the future or grand scheme, make up. It's ok to make plans. Most of us have to in order to get through the day with an ounce of sanity.  I make plans all the time.  But, I'm also keenly aware that His plans are not my plans.  And, though I strive to make my plans in line with what He would want for me, even my best laid ones fall short.  His ways are better....not always easier, but yes, they are better.

I think it would be easy to categorize the last couple of years as Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. 

My Plan A was to have a healthy third child.  Elijah's original due date was yesterday...so, we have spent the last few days thinking about what he would be like as a one year old, had he been healthy and born around this week, last year.  He would probably be walking and jabbering. Trying to keep up with his big brother and sister.  I wondered, really for the first time today, if he would have looked more like Maggie or William.  Would he have been our redhead? It would be easy to drive myself crazy with these 'what ifs' but instead, I think back and give thanks for those 73 minutes.

My Plan B was to then have a healthy fourth baby. 13 weeks later, that plan also fell flat.  My due date for this little one would have been this Saturday, May 4.  So, as you can see, it's been impossible not to think of how we, as humans, have our grand plans.  We have desires, hopefully God-given ones, if we live in communion with Him.  We have our ideas of what life should be like.  And, often those plans work out, but what happens when they don't?

Thankfully, I've not been angry.  I've been sad and hurt, and felt the emptiness of aching arms, longing to hold my child.  I could have gotten upset with God, and asked 'why me?'  But, really, what good would that have done?  Because, I know that His plans are not my plans.  While He comforted me, He also heard my cries and the need for desires and plans to be what He wants instead of what I think I want.  He changed my perspective and filled my heart with a different plan. Plan C.

To many, adoption seems like the last resort. Infertility problems or whatever have left couples feeling like this is their only hope.  I use to think that was understandable. Before my eyes were opened and my heart changed so drastically that adoption seemed like the ONLY possible option for us, because that is what was best.  I would not hesitate to have another biological child if that's what God called us to do.  On the contrary, He called us to lose, to rely fully on Him, to see a glimpse of what He sees, and He ignited our hearts to choose adoption over any other option.  My desire to have more babies is still rampant....it's just that they aren't growing in my womb...they are growing in my heart.  This is not a backup plan.  It is His plan...and has been from the start.  Without Elijah, and having to lean completely on Christ, we would not have had the trust and courage to go on this adventure. Without the miscarriage, I may not have finally felt 'done' having children, because I always feared I would just keep on wanting to be pregnant and have babies.  But, man, I'm sooo happy to be done with all that. :) 

I am thankful for His plan. For His vast knowledge of what our family needs, and what it will look like, well before we step off a plane with our beautiful brown-eyed babies....babies that He intended for us from the beginning. 


Tonight, our family picked up a tradition we started last spring.  After getting JuJu Berry frozen yogurt, we often walk over to Elijah's grave, which is just around the building and across a field.  Today was a perfect day.  And a perfect time to visit that small piece of our hearts.  Maggie went behind the praying hands statue, as she often does, and prayed. She asked me to come with her this time...and in her prayer, she asked God that He would help Elijah to have a fun time with Him up there.  Love her sweet heart.