A Day of Expectation

Things have been going pretty well lately.  We have been busy spending time with our friends and finishing up some of our activities for the summer.  Bible study and MOPS both had their last meetings last week, so now begins my time of twiddling my thumbs and trying to figure out what to do to fill our time in the weeks until Kyle is finished with work for the summer.  Come on June and July!

Last night, we finally booked our hotel for our very first ever family vacation!  Kyle and I have traveled several times since we got married, but the kids have never been on a real vacation with us.  We are all really looking forward to it. Mags has made her (illustrated) packing list already and the Easter bunny did beach-themed baskets this year....yay for killing two birds with one stone. ;)  Myrtle Beach will be our destination this summer, and the kids are talking incessantly about the beach.  I won't mention how funny, and ok, pretty cute it is, when William runs around mispronouncing beach.....potty mouth.  So, if you hear my little man running through church yelling "b*tch, fun!"  just agree with him and cut the man a little slack.

Yesterday was my due date.  As I anticipated, it was a very hard day. Although it's just a number on the calendar, the date they give you when you find out you're pregnant is one that is associated with joy, with hope, expectation and anticipation.  So, as the day loomed near, it was hard not to think of the "other" scenarios...the ones we expected when we first pegged this date with the arrival of our precious baby.  It was so hard for me to actually imagine what it would be like bringing a newborn home right now.  After 18 weeks of expecting that outcome, then 14 weeks of not expecting it....going back and trying to envision what it could be like was odd.  In all of my musings, however, I had to remember that God's plan never included us bringing Elijah home. It involved him going home.  And, for Elijah, what a perfect way to begin life.

I spent the day oscillating between tears and disbelief.  The fact that we had Elijah seems so distant, yet just like yesterday.  Sometimes it still seems surreal.  Sometimes, it's so real it's overwhelming. 
After the kids went down for naps, I took advantage of some time out alone.  I bought some flowers and did an arrangement for his grave.  So, there I sat, bawling in the car arranging flowers for my baby.  I put them in the ground, then sat there in silence for a very long time. I hadn't been able to do that yet.  It was nice to have the time to reflect and try to comprehend how we got to where we are now.  The thing that stuck out most was that there I was, sitting next to my child's grave, and I was still thankful.  I cannot imagine what I would think if someone told me this same thing about themselves.  I wouldn't be able to comprehend how that could possibly be.  But, all I know is that it is true, and it is possible.  I am not thankful that I am without my baby.  But, I am thankful that my God has never left me. I am thankful that He has a perfect plan. I am thankful that He has put amazing people in my life to be his hands and feet and love me through the difficult (and wonderful) times.  I am thankful that He is loving on my baby. I am thankful that He has blessed me with two babies and an incredible husband to love here on earth.  I am thankful that His love never fails. I am thankful that I have the hope of seeing my baby again. I am thankful for each day He has ordained in my life, and that He can use this mess of a woman for His glory.  Oh man, I am thankful.