Seeing the sunshine

It seems like forever since I've been able to update on here. Things have been busy and honestly, for the past week, I have either been traveling for Easter or massively engrossed in The Hunger Games trilogy. I just finished the last book this afternoon (thank goodness for a long naptime)! So, now I can re-enter reality and get on with things. :)

I am such a complete bookworm, and almost always have some novel that I'm working on, so one would think that while carrying Elijah, I would have used reading as a distraction and escape, but the opposite was true. I didn't have the capacity to concentrate long enough to enjoy a book. So, it was like a breath of fresh air to get caught up in a novel again, and escape to another place, if only for a few pages.

Along with this, I am elated to say that yesterday was a benchmark in my journey. For almost 8 months, I was either suffering with first trimester nausea and extreme exhaustion, hauling a heavy four year old around with a broken leg, being very uncomfortably pregnant or grieving Elijah. Yesterday, however, it was almost as if the fog lifted for a time. I realized that for the first time since late last summer, I felt like me. It's not that my heartache isn't there. It's not that I've forgotten my sweet baby boy. It's just that I am not in pain physically anymore. I realized that I don't feel so overwhelmed by everything from making dinner to kids' disobedience anymore. I have energy again and a spark that has long been missing. There was nothing out of the ordinary that happened yesterday, but I enjoyed my kids. I enjoyed just hanging out with a friend. I enjoyed the freedom to exercise. And, mentally, I was ok. And, for now, ok is good.

I find it odd that only six weeks (cannot believe it has been six weeks!) after suffering such joy and
gut-wrenching sorrow all at once, I am here....beginning to see the sunshine again. I figured it would take me months upon months to be get to a place where I could function enough to feel somewhat normal. I don't know why I am surprised. We had so much time to prepare and process before losing Elijah, but more than that, God's grace and presence has been so real. He enabled us to deal with sorrow and grief and unanswerable questions in such a way that healing should not surprise me...it's just that it was hard to imagine what form it would take when we were still walking through the darkness, and it seemed so far away. I know I have a long way to go and that there will still be difficult moments and days. But, what a blessing to know that I can still be a good, competent mom, wife and friend, when for so long I felt so needy and useless at times.

The kids and Kyle are all doing well also. Every few days, Maggie asks if we can go talk to Elijah, so, naturally, we do. Last time we went, she asked us to circle up so she could pray for him. I love that she always asks God to give him a big hug for us. She is so precious. William is also grasping it a little bit I think. Every night as I put him to bed, he pats his pillow with that chubby little hand to ask me to lay down with him. I sing him songs and we "talk" about whatever strikes him at the time. One night recently, he said "mom. friend." Big smile from me..I'm his friend. Then we also talked about me being Maggie's mom, his mom and Elijah's mom. His response was, "baby. go bye bye." I was a little surprised and completely heartsick. What a sweet little man.

I wanted to post a few pics too, but either my computer or this site is acting crazy and won't let me upload more than one pic, and when I tried to publish with the pic on here, it crashed. Ugh. I will try to figure this out...I have too many cute Easter pics to post!