Through Kyle's Eyes...

It's amazing when you can see and feel and hear change.
This past year has been one of dramatic change for our family, but I would have to say that I've seen the most change occur in Kyle. The growth, understanding and openness that has taken place is astounding.
I have been asking him for several weeks, as he's brought up one profound thought after another, to please write some for my blog...give the man's perspective of life in these days of joy and sorrow. Well, today, his thoughts flowed and he has written words that brought me to tears and have made me even more proud to call him my husband. Thankfully, he's allowed me to share them....

"It’s hard to believe what has happened to my family in the past year. On Thanksgiving Day, 2012 it will mark one year since we learned Elijah’s condition. The memory of it sits with me like it was yesterday. A feeling of shock, disbelief, anger, sorrow…it was a mix of feelings that just made everything confusing.

Since November 22, 2011 in the hospital in Carmel, Indiana, Elijah was born, Elijah died, we had a funeral, learned we were going to have another baby, and then experienced the loss of a second child.

Many, if not most, would find it ironic that the one year anniversary of this time in our life is happening on a day to give thanks and to remember all the things we are to be thankful for. But in reality, it is the best day that the one year anniversary could fall on.

I am thankful for a beautiful wife who has learned so much prior to, and during this time. She has been a rock and a message of thanksgiving to many, especially the hundreds of women who were ministered to on her blog.

I am thankful for two healthy, wonderful children, Maggie and William. These two gifts from God have been a blessing in our lives during a time of hurt. They bring laughter, energy, smiles, and life to our home.

But more than anything, I am most thankful on this one year anniversary of Elijah for a God that loves me.

I have lived a life of ease through 30 years on this Earth. I have two Christian parents who love me, a sister that cares. I never had to go through tragedies or be scared of my faith. I was blessed to have four grandparents throughout my life until the first died when I was 25. I am married to the woman I love and we have two beautiful, healthy children. We live in a town that has given me a great job and a church that has given us a community of believers.

But on November 22, 2011, my life hit its first major crisis. We learned that Elijah could not live outside the womb because he never developed kidneys. Bam. Just like that, 31 years of ease was smacked in my face and how would I be able to handle a situation like this? It did not just affect me, I was also a husband who now had a broken wife as well.

Although I had faith in God my entire life, it was never tested or tried. But fortunately through 31 years I knew God was all that I had. My only way of surviving this ordeal was to blindly believe. What else could I do? The questions in my head cannot be answered by a doctor or anyone else. I was forced to give it all to Him and let Him take care of me.

The last year has been a time of learning and discovery.

I learned the Holy Spirit is with me and when I need the Spirit most, He will answer to let me know I am not in this alone. I have heard stories of the way the Holy Spirit worked in people’s lives, but I did not understand. The Holy Spirit was as strange to me as the reason I was going through all this.

I was fearful to connect with Elijah, I was scared to become more in love with this child as I already knew the conclusion. I was scared to feel this baby kick from the womb as it would be a time of connection and fatherly love.

One very late night with Britt already in bed, we talked for an hour. During that wide ranging conversation I told Britt my fears of connecting even more with our child and my questions of the Holy Spirit. I’ve never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and how do you know when you are prompted by Him? Does He really make himself known? How would I know? Then as the conversation wound down, a miracle happened. Britt, who had felt Elijah kick, called me over to see if I could finally feel the life inside her. I did. The Holy Spirit showed himself to me, physically, through our child. My fears of feeling the first kick were vanquished and the Holy Spirit answered me. It was a moment I will never forget.

I discovered I have a God that is literally here with me and will walk right beside me through the travesties of life. He will not take me out of the fire because what good will that do me? Instead, he walks beside me and protects me, but he also lets me go through the fire where I can be purified of things from this world and be made more like him.

Over the past year I have changed. I have learned many lessons that I would never have learned if it were not for the difficult days I walked through. I am a man beginning to learn the true love of God and what it means to be a true man of God. My soul has shifted from seeing God as a figure that watched all that I did and looked down on me in shame to a God that aches for me and loves me such as an earthly father loves his son. There is no thing that can be done to shake the love of a Father.

Through death comes new life. Sound familiar? Each one of us has a new life in Christ because Jesus came to this Earth and died on a cross. Through the death of my son Elijah, I have new life in Christ. I am a man with a new vision of this Earth, a more Godly vision of what is to be done. This life is not about me or the things I want to accomplish. This life is God’s and he has a greater vision for it that I can even imagine. By loving my God I will love others. By loving others I love God."