30 Weeks!!

As with most milestones of this pregnancy, hitting the 30 week mark seems surreal.  All I can really think about is how I felt the day I hit 30 weeks with Elijah.  The end seemed suddenly very emminent, and the only way I could describe it with words was that I was at the end of a tunnel, seeing the light of a speeding train coming right towards me. Two quick weeks later, he was with us, then he was gone. 

This time around, 30 weeks doesn't seem as forboding, but there is that familiar sense of urgency.  I think I've been feeling it for some time, knowing I had Elijah at 32, and wondering what my body would do this time.  I've gotten the nursery almost completely done.  And, as odd as this sounds, it terrifies me, and thrills me at the exact same time.  It has been quite the process, to talk myself through baby preparations.  There is the normal, sheer excitement that fuels my desire to be "ready" and have it all organized and together.  Then, there is the new side of me that knows there are never guarantees. The part of me that loses my breath when I think about having a nursery done and ready, and in the end, it remains empty.  These things have warred in me for many weeks.  My friend, Mara, said it best when she said it felt presumptuous to get ready.  Our minds know that once upon a time, we were naive and blissfully unaware when we had our first healthy babies. It didn't seem odd to have baby showers at 22 weeks and have nurseries fully functional by 30. After loss, however, our hearts are hesitant to put themselves out there...to do what normal mommies do, and prepare with minimal anxiety.  So, some days, the excitment fueled my energy (which is slipping away daily), and some days, I couldn't even walk in the room.  At this point, I am so glad to have gotten it done while I did have the energy, but I am afraid to get let myself get too comfortable seeing it and envisioning our baby in there.  Such a strange place to be mentally.

In the midst of the roller coaster of emotions, we have found it so odd that this pregnancy feels almost like it's a "first" again.  So much of it feels new and brings that sense of amazement that a first time parent feels. I find myself giving thanks repeatedly for each little kick.  I am surprised at how much I use to take them for granted. We stand in her room and marvel that this is real. Scary and real. I get out little baby clothes and almost squeal with joy, and can't believe we are actually here again. I never thought this was going to be part of the equation.  So, while there is realistic fear, there is also a newfound sense of trust, knowing that God has us and our little ones in the palm of His hand.

We got a peek of our sweet one today. Praying that tomorrow the doctor verifies that all is still well with her. 

Here she is :)