Carrying Elijah: the transformative journey of loving and losing my son

Just over three years ago, my world was flipped upside down. My husband and I were expecting our third child, dreaming of filling up our small house with giggles and the beautiful chaos that accompanies three small children under the age of five.  At 18 weeks gestation, however, highly abnormal test results indicated that there was a problem with our baby. We found ourselves at St.. Vincent's Hospital in Indianapolis, having a specialized ultrasound just two days before Thanksgiving 2011. We suspected Downs Syndrome, but the scan showed a much worse diagnosis. Our son did not develop kidneys. He would not be able to live outside of my womb. The devastation and grief that overtook us was almost paralyzing.

The journey of carrying my son Elijah lasted another 14 weeks after the diagnosis. And it was during this time that God showed up. In big ways. In small ways. In everyday activities. In the love of His people. 

From day one, we were surrounded; carried by the Lord and His Church. There were days when getting out of bed seemed an insurmountable feat. There were days that the tears hardly stopped flowing. But the magnitude of our pain was met with fierce love.

A dear friend, who at the time was really more of an acquaintance, brought us dinner every Monday. She wanted to have the tangible reminder weekly to pray for us and love on us. Friends, family and our church family called, sent flowers, prayed for us and over us, and watched our children at a moments notice when we just needed time to be alone and process. Their actions reminded us numerous times a day that we were not alone on this journey.

In all honesty, though the time was  heartbreaking, I am so thankful for it. I would never trade the moments I had carrying Elijah. I would never trade the palpable presence of God that covered us during those dark months. I would never trade who I am now for who I was before. 

Elijah's tiny life has had a ripple effect we could have never comprehended. By fully trusting God, we hopefully allowed His work to be done. I pulled an excerpt from my blog that captures a portion of the intense change that happened in our lives over the course of those few months. A change that is still in motion in our lives. 

            

                                                                November 30, 2011

"It's been interesting to ride the wave of emotions that have come to us over the last week.  Some of them I expected, some I never saw coming.  The most unusual thing I've experienced this week is something I couldn't even grasp, because it didn't seem to fit. I had to grapple with it for a couple of days before even mentioning it to Kyle. And, I mentioned it to my small group tonight, and even hearing myself try to wade through it, it didn't seem to come out right.  But, oddly enough, I feel excitement.  Please don't get me wrong...there is nothing exciting about what we are going through.  I don't get excited when I break down in my husband's or best friend's arms.  I don't get excited when my kids see me weeping and sweetly try to comfort me.  There is nothing exciting about looking through sewing patterns of outfits to choose the one I will eventually bury my child in.  The ONLY thing that I know is exciting is that God always works for good in the lives of His people....and I know that He is going to use this situation....our lives, our baby's life....some aspect of our earthly nightmare to further His kingdom.  We may never know what impact this little life will have on others, but God knows.  We are told in scripture that the Lord knows all our days, before there are any.  That means, that while we were blindsided by this situation, He wasn't.  He knew what we would endure before we were even born.  He has a plan, and only He can give this sense of peace, comfort and oddly enough, excitement, in a season of uncertainty and pain."

All praise to the One who is able to do this! 

Elijah's earthly journey ended in the early hours of a blustery Leap Day morning. In that quiet hospital room, with my husband and best friend, Elijah was fiercely loved in his 73 minutes with us. He was dedicated over the phone by Pastor Steve Deneff, who was out of state, and in person by Pastor Judy Crossman. We would later learn that at the same moment Elijah left us, Pastor Steve was prompted to again consecrate our baby to the Lord. What a beautiful welcome home he must have received!

I sit now, rocking my 6 month old daughter, a surprise blessing from God. I listen to her tiny breaths, and daily thank God for His continued faithfulness in all the seen and unseen moments of my life. I praise Him for never leaving my side, in the sorrow and in the joy. I praise Him for real, authentic friends who so beautifully do life with us at College Wesleyan Church. And I praise Him for His relentless love, a small taste of which I get to lavish on my children, the ones I can hold in my arms here, and my Elijah, whom I will always hold in my heart.