His Plan

Today was a good day.  It was the first day I kind of felt like my usual self. It was the first day I've made it through the day without crying in weeks (until small group tonight).  It was the first day in a week that Maggie hasn't asked me multiple times why I sound grumpy...hard to explain the sound of grief to a 4 year old.
I thoroughly enjoyed the normalcy of watching my kids play in the snow (William's first time) and the way-too-mature way that Maggie informed me that I made a very bad choice in taking her away from play time at Bible Study (which was cancelled and I didn't know it) and made her go get a flu shot instead.  I bask now in the ordinary, hilarious, typical, chaotic moments of being with my two rambunctious kiddos.  Mainly because the moments of talking to my baby as he/she kicks me is too painful to bear sometimes.  I'm terrified that I'll completely mess up the beauty of enjoying the moments I have to love our baby and instead try to hide myself  behind the mundane craziness of life to avoid the pain.  But, on the flip side, I can't retreat solely to where the heartache is and miss the joy that is so abundant in front of me.  It's a tricky, uncomfortable, unexplainable place to be.  But, I'm not there alone. The Lord is walking right beside me.

It's been interesting to ride the wave of emotions that have come to us over the last week.  Some of them I expected, some I never saw coming.  The most unusual thing I've experienced this week is something I couldn't even grasp, because it didn't seem to fit. I had to grapple with it for a couple of days before even mentioning it to Kyle. And, I mentioned it to my small group tonight, and even hearing myself try to wade through it, it didn't seem to come out right.  But, oddly enough, I feel excitement.  Please don't get me wrong...there is nothing exciting about what we are going through.  I don't get excited when I break down in my husband's or best friend's arms.  I don't get excited when my kids see me weeping and sweetly try to comfort me.  There is nothing exciting about looking through sewing patterns of outfits to choose the one I will eventually bury my child in.  The ONLY thing that I know is exciting is that God always works for good in the lives of His people....and I know that He is going to use this situation....our lives, our baby's life....some aspect of our earthly nightmare to further His kingdom.  We may never know what impact this little life will have on others, but God knows.  We are told in scripture that the Lord knows all our days, before there are any.  That means, that while we were blindsided by this situation, He wasn't.  He knew what we would endure before we were even born.  He has a plan, and only He can give this sense of peace, comfort and oddly enough, excitement, in a season of uncertainty and pain. Thank you Jesus!