A new normal

I have proven to be a terrible blogger, as my consistency is lacking. But, in light of a new journey our family is taking, I get the feeling that this will be a source of therapy for me, as well as a way to keep everyone updated. 
Since last posting, in July I think, so much has happened in our family.  In August, we found out we were expecting our third child. In late September, Maggie fell and spiral fractured her Tibia, leaving her in a cast and wheelchair (or scooting across the floor) for 5 weeks.  Right after her accident, William began having severe stomach trouble and ended up at the hospital for x-rays, and a few trips to the doctor.  While I thought that dealing with the extreme exhaustion of my first trimester, along with the physical and emotional demands of caring for my two little sick/hurt ones was trying, I had no idea what lay ahead of us.
Almost three weeks ago, I went in for a regular OB checkup.  The doctor was concerned about the baby's elevated heart rate.  This, of course, sent my wandering mind in a crazy spiral of "what ifs" that threatened to overtake me.  At that appointment, they also did the optional Quad-Screen test.  The following Monday, the doctor called to tell me that our Quad-Screen test came back as "extremely high risk" for Downs Syndrome.  While this was scary, and certainly not what we had hoped to hear, we were surprisingly ok with this possibility, knowing that if this is what God has planned for us, we would love this special child with an unconditional love just like the others.  The following day, they called from my doctor's office to tell me that our appointment with the specialist at St. Vincent's for our Level 2 ultrasound was going to be November 22 at 1pm.  So, we had a whole week to try and busy ourselves, pray hard, and not over-think what might lie ahead.
We were incredibly nervous as we entered that doctor's office.  I was literally shaking while trying to fill out my paperwork.  They ushered us into a small room to speak with the genetic counselor who went through our test results, which showed  very highly elevated levels of Inhibin and HGC (I think that's right) in my blood.  After the counselor's info session on Downs Syndrome and various other issues, we were asked to wait for the ultrasound tech to come get us.  After what felt like an eternity, she took us to the room where all the fancy equipment was.  Right off the bat, Kyle and I both noticed that the images on the screen seemed fuzzy and very close up.  We would later learn that this was the case because there is no amniotic fluid.  The tech told us what she was measuring and looking for throughout the exam, and at one point, said she was "looking for the kidneys."  She never mentioned finding them.  We could tell that she went back and forth to the heart many times, and with a grim look, she quickly got up and left the room to get the doctor.  We had asked her to tell us the sex of the baby, and right before she left, I asked again. She simply stated she couldn't tell and left us there...wondering.  The doctor came in and checked the heart again and kept checking the areas of blood flow.  She asked me how this pregnancy had been compared to my others, and I mentioned the odd symptoms I had been having. I didn't mention until later that I had had a feeling from early on that something wasn't right about this pregnancy. 
The doctor didn't speak much to us the rest of the ultrasound, but abruptly told me I could get up and to meet her back in the small counseling room we had previously been in.  I was sick.  I believe we both knew something was terribly wrong.
She came in, with the genetic counselor, and said that sometimes when you're looking for one problem, you stumble upon another. I broke. She then told us that our precious little baby did not have any kidneys.  This makes him or her unable to sustain life outside the womb. 
When you hear of people losing all control of their emotions or detaching themselves from what they feel cannot possibly be their reality, I think I fit both of those categories.  I collapsed on Kyle with a grief I have never felt, but has knocked me down in waves over the last 5 days.  The doctor and counselor left us in that room to try and grasp what we had just been told.  The baby we had prayed for, planned for and dreamed of was not going to be joining our family in the way we had expected.  In an instant, we became the parents of child we would never see grow up, would never kiss boo-boos to make them better, would never send off to Kindergarten or walk down the aisle.  Our world was shattered.  It is shattered. 
After many minutes alone, they returned to tell us a bit of what we might expect over the next few weeks and months.  They say that in many of the cases they see like this, the child can go to almost full-term and possibly live an hour or two after birth before passing away.  It is also possible that without any amniotic fluid, the baby's cord could easily become compressed and he or she could pass at any time.  I feel like my body is a ticking time bomb.  I don't know if I have four days or 4 months with my sweet baby. But, I do know that we plan to make the most of what time we do have with our baby.  We want to give him or her a name so that we can be talking to them specifically. We want to make sure Maggie and William talk to him/her and work through this with us.  We want life to continue as "normally" as we can, knowing that although we'll have days of it, in general we cannot become consumed with grief. 
Although this road is not one I would ever have hoped to travel, we are just so thankful that we serve a God who is holding us in the palm of His hand.  While we mourn, He comforts.  While we fall apart, He picks us up.  I have seen God's hand in my life in huge ways over the past year.  I knew that he was changing me.  I just have to wonder now, if it was for this.  I have told a few people this, but truly, had this happened a year and a half ago, I don't know if I'd be able to stand.  But God is so good!  He is faithful!  And He loves us and this child of His so much. We cannot even comprehend. 
It is odd to try and describe the sway of emotions that come along with a blow in life like this.  And, I have to keep reminding myself that there is no right or wrong way to feel.  It's odd, though, how I can feel so guilty when I am overcome with grief, that I'm not being a good mom to my two sweet toddlers.  Then moments later, feel so comforted and joyful in the Lord, then feel guilty that I'm not grieving...like I am suppose to give in to it and not let go.  I know that God hears my hurt as well as my joy, though, and He will allow me to walk in whatever state I'm in....guilt need not show it's ugly face. 
Goodness, I should get to bed.  We will be driving the long trek home tomorrow morning after a nice Thanksgiving holiday with my family.  I am thankful for the timing of this...having the distraction of a holiday break, though it was hard at times, was good for us.
Now, we get to go home and find a new normal.