The Refining Fire

Today was my regularly scheduled OB appointment.  What use to be something I looked forward to, has now become something I dread.  It's not that I was worried about him not finding a heartbeat, it's just that reality hits hard when we have to talk logistics about everything from when do we deliver, to how will I handle this pyschologically.  I just hate having to have those conversations.
But, aside from the icky stuff, the appointment went well.  My belly, which has grown to massive proportions in the last couple of weeks, is measuring right on schedule...this kind of surprised us all, as we would expect the measurments to be a few weeks behind.  My blood pressure was a little high, but not bad and Elijah's heartbeat was good at 150.  Our dr. is so great, as he has mentioned several times that I can come in anytime and check things out as much as I need.  So, he was nice enough to do a quick peek of an ultrasound for me today.  Everything looks the same pretty much.  No fluid. Fuzzy pictures. 
For some reason, I think I held out a little hope, since everything feels so "normal," that we would look on that screen and be amazed that fluid was there.  It is just so hard to wrap my mind around the horrible truth when I feel like this pregnancy is so ordinary.  When I can see my belly move with all those strong kicks, and we're both growing, it just seems like a cruel joke my mind has played on me that there's a serious problem.  I imagine I'll feel this way till the very end.  And, I guess that's ok.
I have hit a phase where I realize that I'm sort of just going through the motions a lot of the time.  Even things I normally love to do, like plan parties for my kids' birthdays, or work on MOPS stuff, and even stuff I don't love, but have to do, like straightening up the house or making a meal....just seem to overwhelm me sometimes....not always, but more often than not.  I sit and realize that I'm not really present, when I'm with my kids or family or friends, and all I can wonder is: will I always be this way? will I ever feel normal again?  The worst of my pain and grief is still lurking around the corner, so I can't imagine how much more useless I'll feel after the fact.  I hate to be in the state of feeling like I"m just an observer in life, and not a participant.  Perhaps it's a coping mechanism.  Don't know, but I can't stand it.  I want to be of more use to others, to be there for them, to even remember to ask how they're doing...but sometimes my brain just doesn't work.  I am so thankful, however, that my friends and family are so understanding, forgiving and so loving.  They are carrying me and for that, I am forever grateful...more than I can express.
Kyle's Aunt Lynette enables my bookworm tendencies, and sends me amazing material to read often.  Several months ago, she sent a devotional called "Trusting God" by Sharon Jaynes, Gwen Smith and Mary Southerland.  I hadn't picked it up until the last couple of weeks.  Oh goodness...the Lord must have put that book in her hand to send to me, knowing I would need it months later.  It has spoken to me so much.  Today's reading was so great, I wanted to share a chunk of it with you. It is a beautiful illustration of how our Heavenly Father works in us.

Just Like Your Father

Today's truth

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3)

The story is told of a group of women who met each week to study the Bible, hoping to learn more about the nature and character of God and how He works in our lives.  The women were puzzled and even a little troubled by the description of God they found in Malachi 3:3.

One of the women offered to do a little research...she found a local silversmith and made an appointment to observe him at work, explaining she was particularly interested in the process of refining silver.  She watched as the craftsman carefully selected a piece of silver for his demonstration.  She thought the piece of silver was already beautiful, but evidently the silversmith saw something that she could not see. As he held the silver over the furnace, the craftsman explained that the silver had to be placed in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so all the impurities would be burned away.

The woman was silent for a moment as her thoughts drifted to the fiery trials she was facing in her own life. Honestly, she did not get it. Why would a loving God allow His children to suffer when He could easily deliver them?  In fact, why does God even allow bad things to happen to people who are seeking Him and really try to live for Him?

The woman asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. "Oh yes!" he replied. "I cannot take my eyes off the silver. If it is left in the furnace even a moment too long, it will be destroyed."  The woman suddenly understood the beauty and comfort of Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Yes, there are times when it seems as if we will be swallowed whole by the fires of hell itself. The pain seems too hard to bear. The fear is paralyzing. The doubt is overwhelming and the questions flood our hearts and minds.

   Is God really who He says He is?

   Will He really do what He says He will do?

    Will He keep His promise?

    Can I really trust God?

Our trials are not random persecutions.  Heaven is not in a panic. Where we are and what we are going through is no surprise to God. We may be knocked down and kicked around by life, but if we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, WE WILL NOT BE DESTROYED!

Our lives are often filled with excess baggage and waste, such as a cherished sin we refuse to relinquish or an addiction to which we are enslaved. At times our emotional garbage weighs us down or our unforgiving spirit holds us prisoner. Fiery trials come to burn away the guilt of sin and then purify our hearts. From those ashes of freedom, the Father then creates a work of beauty.

"How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" the woman asked.  The silversmith smiled and answered, "Oh, that's easy.  The refining process is complete when I can see my image reflected in the silver."

God is not committed to our comfort; He is committed to our character.  Only God can exchange the ashes of our sin for the beauty of His forgiveness and grace.  God alone can replace our despair with His peace that passes all understanding.  Hope can only be found in Him.  Our purpose in life is to know and become more like Jesus and to act just like our Father.

So, my prayer today is one of thankfulness that God will never take His eyes off me while I am in the furnace.  He will create something more in my life and my hope is that my Father's image will be seen reflected in me.