A Mess of Magnificent Proportions

On Thursday, we had our first MOPS meeting of the year.  I cannot describe how incredible the women are in this group or how much I love them.  For the past three and a half years, they have been a lifeline for me. We have supported each other, laughed together, cried together and slurped many a milkshake together.  I love them.  It is always a highlight to be with them, and last week was no exception.  I was fortunate enough to sit with a small group of fine women, and more times than I can count, over the past few days, I have thought about our time together.  We did the usual catching up after Christmas break chatting, then a few of them were able to ask me some questions that had been on their minds.  They allowed me to talk freely, cry freely, and be genuine in the chaos of my thoughts and emotions.  It was absolutely healing and comforting for me. It wasn't anything elaborate...it was just us. And, I am thankful. So, a huge shout out to Melissa, Jen, Teresa, and Stacey.  You did so much for me, without even realizing it.

During our meeting, we watched one of the MOPS International videos.  It was reassuring to me, as it talked so much about how we are ALL a mess! Actually, a mess of magnificent proportions!  As we laughingly were instructed to tell each other this truth to one another's face, I took great comfort in it.  I have always been a mess. I use to try and hide it with perfectionism, then I got over that and tried to embrace it.  Now, it is on a new level.  I really am a mess, but I'm a perfect mess that God created for such a time as this.
 
I was hit head on this weekend with what a mess I am, or can be, and probably only a smidge of what a mess I am to become. 

Kyle's department collects money every year and gives it to a family in need in our community.  On Friday, Kyle came home with a beautiful token of love from his co-workers, as we were the recipients of this year's collection.  It was a very generous donation for us to use for our future expenses with Elijah.  I was blown away.  And, if any of you are reading this, please know that no words or actions I have can express how grateful and thankful we are for you and the way you are supporting us.

On Saturday morning, I took the money to our bank to open a sub-account in our savings.  On the way there, I was overcome with emotion as it really hit me that I was going to open an account to pay for my baby's funeral.  I prayed for courage and no tears as I walked in the bank, and thankfully, was able to choke out Elijah's name when she asked what I wanted to call the account.  I felt slightly proud of myself, yet incredibly weak as I left the bank, and went to the bookstore instead of home to just have some time alone.  I had no idea that my emotions would take such a hit the rest of the weekend just by doing the simple act of opening an account.  While it is necessary and we are blessed beyond measure for the help that we certainly need, the magnitude of what it represents is staggering for me.

Thankfully, my mom was here this weekend.  She took care of the kids (and me) for a couple of days, and I honestly don't know how I would have made it through Saturday without her.  For the first time in many years, the only thing I wanted to do was lay my head in her lap, have her rub my hair, and tell me that we were going to get through this.  It was so comforting to be able to let my guard down and be my mom's little girl, even for a  few minutes...to feel taken care of by my mommy, as only a mommy can do.  Then, my little muchkins got in on the love and piled up on us....all of us curled up together. It was wonderful. 

I am feeling better tonight, and am glad that the nasty wave of raw emotion is gone, even if it's only briefly. 

Lastly, I leave you with the lyrics for another one of my favorite songs right now.  It is gorgeous, and I find a lot of comfort in it.

Blessings

by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise