The Love of My Kids :)

I love it when God gives me exceptional love and care through the actions of the people around me.  It is often through the hugs of friends or the strong, ever-comforting arms of my supportive husband.  Today, God showed me pure love and joy in the small, chubby hands of William and the little-mommy love of Maggie.

I had been having a particularly emotional morning at church, as I often do....this time, we sang a few songs that talked of focusing our eyes on heaven and looking at the face of Jesus.  The only thing I could think was that Jesus' face is most likely the first one that Elijah will ever see.  I feel such joy for her, being cared for exclusively by her heavenly father, and not having to experience the nasty stuff of this world, but in the very same moment, I feel such breathtaking pain over knowing that I won't have the joy of raising her and loving her on this earth.  I can't accurately describe what it is like to feel two conflicting emotions so extremely present at the same time.  I ache when I watch a brother help his little brother as he gets baptized, realizing that Elijah won't get to have any experiences of being the little sister to Mags and Will.  But, then I rejoice that she will also never have to endure pain or disappointment or hate.  When I think about lifting my eyes to heaven, I know that soon, my version of heaven will be drastically different as I try to imagine my baby worshiping and loving and crawling up in Jesus' lap.  It was all just a little too much for me today.

And, naturally, it trickled over into family time.  As I tried to be nonchalant and cry quietly in Kyle's arms while I was suppose to be making lunch, I soon felt a nudge on my leg.  As has become the customary response at our house, when mom starts crying, the kids come and flock around me.  When I looked down, those two gorgeous little faces were looking up at me with concern and love...then William wedged in between us and pushed Kyle away....guess it was his turn to be the strong man that was going to be strong and hug me. :)  As I went to my knees, the precious little arms of my babies surrounded me and we all just hugged.  Man oh man, how much I love those two little ones!  A minute later, William broke away from Mags and I, so I figured he was just done and ready to go play.  Kyle then said to turn around and look.  He had climbed up to top of the desk and gotten down the tissue box.  In each chubby little hand, he was carrying a tissue.  He brought them to me and gently wiped away my tears.  Then, after giving me the tissues to hold, he simply placed his little hand under my chin and turned my face toward his.  His big, brown eyes stared straight into mine and penetrated this momma's heart.  Oh the pure, fierce love of a two year old boy for his momma.  He is so sweet. I can't say it enough. 

My kids, with their snuggles, giggles and silly antics have made this journey more bearable. They keep me focused on what's important, distracted, busy and surrounded with fun times. Unfortunately, they also end up getting the brunt of my stress and grief, as we are together almost all the time.  I hate that my grumpiness sometimes rears its ugly head, when I just need time to myself and the kids are being extra whiney or needy.  While my temper may be short sometimes, my appreciation of and love for them is magnified beyond what I thought possible.  I cherish every day with them in ways I never did before. They are my miracles. They are my heart.  I am so thankful for the way they love me. I am one blessed mom.