Saying goodbye to 2012

As we reach the end of 2012, I can't help but remember what Kyle and I wished for as we ended last year: to finish 2012 better than we ended 2011. Of course, in my imagination, that meant being well on the road of healing, with the worst behind us, and hopefully pregnant with another healthy baby.

Although only part of this has come to fruition, I think we are still able to say that we are better. We are much different. And we would not go back.

I don't think anyone would fault me for saying this has been the worst year of my life. It would be easy to focus on all the loss, all the tears, all the heartache. Initially, I would say that I will never look back very fondly on this year. But, it would be a great injustice to focus only on the negative, and lose all the amazing things that God has done in the midst of the darkness.

I have seen love in real, selfless, intense ways this year. I have seen friends step in and carry me and my family through the most difficult days. I will never, as long as I live, forget walking out of the sanctuary after Elijah's funeral, to see dozens of our friends lining the path through the hallway to the hearse waiting outside. I was later told that it wasn't planned, but none of them felt that they could leave us yet.

I will never forget my humbled surprise when I was told of the many, many weeks of meals that people I knew, and some I didn't, were planning to provide for us.

I have to thank God for the new, amazing women He has brought into my life this year. He has forged friendships in the most unexpected places, and showed immense love through these women.

I will never forget the examples of many who taught me the value of simply "showing up." Even when they didn't know what to do, they showed their love by just being. Being there. Being available. Being willing. Being love.

I rejoice in knowing my Savior in a new, real way through this year. He has never, not once, left my side. In my deepest pain, my anger or frustration, when I messed up royally, He was there to pick up the pieces. When my heart hurt so badly, I wasn't sure I could breath, He held me. He has opened my eyes to a new way of seeing the world. Though I have a long way to go, he keeps revealing His love, His heartache, His plan in my life. My ability to trust in Him and not fear what this world may throw at me has undeniably changed my life.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)

It seems that God has allowed me to weather many storms this year, all for His good though. From the beginning, I have asked that no matter what the circumstance, that He would use me; use my situation for His kingdom. And truly, even in the gut-wrenching moments, there is no place I'd rather be. It is thrilling to know that He can take it all and use it for good. I cannot begin to pretend to understand why I had to say goodbye to two of my precious children this year. I may never know, and that is ok because I trust in the one who knows the big picture. His plan for my life, while sometimes very challenging, has proven to be so much better than my plans.

"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:8 NIV)

God is leading us in new directions. Ones that we never would have envisioned on our own. I am beyond excited to see what He does in us and through us. And, honestly, had we not gone through 2012, we probably would not have understood. We would have been too afraid to take risks in His name. We wouldn't have known what it means to fully lean on Him and trust. We wouldn't know what it feels like to be at the end of ourselves, and joyfully cling to Him.

So, even though my human nature wants to kick 2012 to the curb and never look back, I am choosing to focus on the good that has come from it. Some days, it's not really all that easy. But, I thank God and I thank our friends and family for loving us, teaching us, carrying us and showing us grace through the trials we have faced.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2, 3 NIV)