In the palm of His hand

Today was a day, that until two weeks ago, we had been looking forward to. It is suppose to be the exciting time when you get to see your baby and find out if it's a boy or girl, if you want to know.  Today for us, however, was a day of bittersweet emotions, fused with dread, excitement, sorrow and joy.  I couldn't help but think that this could easily be the last time I "see" my baby alive.  I wanted to savor every fuzzy picture I could see.  As we already knew, with no fluid, it is hard to see much. But, I looked longingly at the few bones, the spine and the fuzzy mass of a heart that we could see when the wand rolled over it.  What I wanted to see most, though, was if this baby was a boy or girl. As I have previously mentioned, I just felt like my sanity needed that, and it would help me to bond easier.  Unfortunately, as hard as he tried, the Dr. just wasn't able to get a good picture.  Oddly enough, the baby was somehow able to turn in the last two weeks to being head down, even without fluid or space to move around in. I thought for sure we would be able to tell, but it just didn't happen.  The dr. said that if he had to bet, he'd bet a quarter that it was a girl....but he wouldn't bet more than that.  Everything is so squished in there, and the legs were crossed "Indian style" so those things coupled with no fluid made it almost impossible.  I'm just going to refer to the baby as "her" from now on, until I might find out differently, because I can't stand to just call her "the baby" or "him/her" anymore.

Some things we did find out, or at least get an inkling for, though...and please let me preface that I will most likely butcher these medical terms, spellings, etc. but I'm just trying to remember all he said, and I honestly don't feel like taking the time to look things up to see if my spelling is correct.

"This is one tough baby" said the dr. as he saw how extremely cramped things are and that even though it could easily happen, the cord hasn't been compressed yet.  I think it looked like the cord is laying right up against her body.  The dr. also saw what appears to be a cleft palette and possibly cleft lip.  It seems that the septums (hope that's the right medical term) in the brain didn't appear to be formed correctly.  There is an excess of neucal fluid (the fluid between the skull and skin) around the baby's brain.  It seems that the heart is enlarged, or possibly that the lungs are so underdeveloped that it just appears large.  The growth of the baby is several weeks behind, also. I don't remember what the issue is, but he also mentioned some possible problem with the bowels. 

So, while the lack of kidneys is the most drastic problem, it looks like our sweet little one has many problems...most likely caused by a genetic mutation such as an extra, lacking, or partial chromosome.  We won't know the extent of all the issues until after she has been delivered and they can do further testing.

There was a moment during the ultrasound this morning that nearly took my breath away.  As he was checking on the structure of the face, he captured a picture of her and simply said, "oh look. She's smiling."  And there it was. The one and only smile I'll ever see on my child's face.  While it caused me to yet again turn into a weeping mess, it also brought great comfort.  I have been so worried that she is hurting, but I felt it was a quick little smile to let us know that she's ok.  That she loves us.  And that she's not afraid.

Obviously, she needs more care than we are able to give her, so I am thankful that I am given this moment to be her mom, and Kyle, her dad.  And, I can rest a little easier knowing that if we can't be the ones to take care of her here, at least she is with her Daddy, and He knows exactly what she needs. She can be whole and healthy and joyous being with the Great Physician, her Creator.  I am so thankful that He chose us to love her while she is here. 

I have to also throw in some other things that have happened lately, aside from our dr. visit this morning.  First, I can't express how impressed I am with my husband.  He has always been wonderful, but, oh goodness, how I see the Lord changing Him. Daily.  Kyle is being so open to all that God is trying to show him. It is beautiful to watch.  He said something today that you just don't hear people say, and even though I'm going through this with him, and agree wholeheartedly, it just doesn't make sense apart from God.  He said, "I am glad He is giving us this trial."  After asking him to repeat himself to make sure I heard correctly, I had to just shake my head.  Yes, this sucks. There is no other way around it.  But, in the midst, we are thankful.  We have heard it said several times lately, that "there is not testimony without the word TEST."  I cannot believe how true that is.  Kyle has been so receptive to the test and the workings of the Lord that he is different.  We believe that this situation and our baby's life will be used to change people.  We KNOW that it has already changed us greatly...and forever.

Lastly, I have to share some of what will probably be one of, if not the, most precious moment with our baby.  Last night, we were just laying down talking before bed.  We talked a lot about our feelings, what God is teaching us, how He wants us to handle things, and how consistent and truly real God's presence has been with us.  We also talked a lot about listening to the Holy Spirit and how we want to be obedient to do what He needs us to do and share with those around us.  For the last three days, I could tell that the kicks I was feeling were different.  I was guessing that the baby had turned, and I was right.  So, it's been exciting to feel stronger movements, and I was desperately hoping Kyle would have the opportunity to feel them.  So, as we're laying there, she starts kicking and I told him to quickly put his hand on my belly.  He felt her. Strong. And alive.  And we both broke down...the perfection of a moment I feared would never come.  We silently laid there while he felt life inside me.  Because of the lack of fluid, when I lay flat on my back, there isn't a squishy cushion like we are used to.  All there is (besides my chubbiness) is baby.  Kyle's hand fit perfectly around her little body and he said, "I feel like I'm holding her in palm of my hand."  Indeed, he was, and so is God.  Just as He has us all, our baby is firmly in the palm of His hand.