Rock out

It has been difficult the last week to think about anything other than Elijah's being alive when I feel so much movement now.  It's hard to remember sometimes what we are preparing for when all "feels" ok and normal.  I actually had a moment of complete, blissful amnesia of our situation one night, when suddenly, it hit me all over again like a ton of bricks.  Then, I wondered what right I thought I had to forget, for even a moment, of the nightmare we are going through.  So, sometimes it seems wrong to wallow in grief, and at other moments it seems wrong to feel normal.  It's such a strange, uncertain balance where no correct equilibrium can ever be achieved.  I'm just so thankful that God meets me where I am and accepts my feelings, good or bad. He knows them before I do, and certainly understands them better than I do.

Today, Kyle and I went to a Bears game. It was a ton of fun, even though they played horribly.  It was intended to be a great time away for us and never in a million years would I have expected to have been sideswiped by by grief among the thousands of  fans.  But, during some of the wonderfully loud music, Elijah began kicking like crazy...and it hit me.  Maybe she would have loved music. Maybe she does now.  And, I've never taken the time to share it with her.  I can't show her art. She'll never see her sister dance, or slip on her own ballet slippers, but I can share with her something that I love.  Something she can enjoy now.  So, as soon as  I can get my hands on some headphones, they will be strapped across my belly, and Elijah and I will rock out to whatever music I can get my hands on. And, I hope she loves it.