I have been asked some questions by several friends lately, so, I'm guessing they're not the only ones who have things they are wondering about our situation. I thought I would try and answer a few things that have come up lately. I am always open to questions, so if you see me around, or want to ask about something specific here or on FB or whatever, please feel free to do so. I cannot guarantee I won't cry in answering, but I honestly enjoy the chance to talk about Elijah, even if it's tough sometimes. This is an odd journey, so I will be muttling through it just as much as those of you who are along for the ride and supporting us. Thank you again and again for your continued support, prayers and love.
1. Am I physically in much pain?
*Not consistently. It is a much different feeling this time around, though. It is odd to be able to feel such pressure, where there is no cushioning around her. The only really bad pains I feel now are when one of the kids either leans on me the wrong way, or jabs an elbow into my abdomen when getting out of my lap or something. That hurts a lot. Because there isn't much there to soften the blows, I notice quickly when something (i.e. leaning against the side of Will's crib, the ultrasound wand, the kitchen counter) or someone is too close or pressing in. (Hugs are still good and much needed though!) I have taken myself out of the rough-housing arena with the kids because of this. I don't worry so much about my pain, but I worry a lot about if it's hurting Elijah. I have experienced the usual aches and pains of pregnancy, but they seem to be the pains I remember from much later in my other two pregnancies. I can feel her move sometimes, or at least that's what I think it is, when the pressure from inside changes. For you moms out there who have carried a baby to term, it is similar to how it feels at the very end of the pregnancy when there's just no room left for the baby because it's outgrown it's space. It's just that mine's the fluid issue, not the growth one. I have had more swelling this time around, and more headaches, but that could just be this pregnancy, and not at all related to her condition.
2. How are the kids handling everything?
*William seems to be completely oblivious, which is to be expected. Unfortunately for my emotions, however, he has in the last two weeks learned how to very clearly say 'baby' and likes point out almost every baby he sees. Just a little hard sometimes, but also very sweet.
Mags is trying to understand. She doesn't seem to be upset, but her wheels are turning for sure. She asks lots of questions, and often, the same ones over and over again. She has asked more times than I can count why the baby has to die, and if the baby will go right to heaven. The things that have effected me the most about her understanding process are times like when we went to visit family for Thanksgiving the day after we found out. We pulled into my aunt's driveway in KY, and she simply said, "Well, I guess I have to go inside now and tell them about our baby." I was just heartbroken that she somehow felt that the burden was hers to break the news to everyone. Also, the other day, she was playing babydolls, and said, "Oh mom....this baby's dead." All I could respond with was to ask her how it made her feel, and we talked about how sad it was. She did tell me out of the blue a few days ago that even if the baby was dead when it was born, she still wanted to come to the hospital and see her. Talk about being at a loss for words. I told her we would just have to wait and see...considering that there could be many physical defects, I'm just not sure. Plus, we have to figure out if it would be more healthy for her to have closure by seeing her little brother or sister, or if it would scare her too much. That's definitely something I need to pray about, and would ask that you pray for us in that way too....much wisdom is going to be needed in this situation, plus many others.
Overall, I should say though, that the kids are doing well. They are being such sweet little troopers, and are good at comforting me if I break down in front of them. We don't shy away from talking about it, and I think that helps....so, if you're around us, don't be surprised if Maggie breaks the news to you or gives you some sad detail....you can talk to her about if you feel comfortable. :)
3. What are the differences and similarities from our baby and Carter Westfall?
*For those of you not in my local community, I should tell you that we have some beautiful friends, Sarah and Ben Westfall, who found out almost exactly a year ago that their second child, Carter, did not have kidneys. This rocked us all...and I think that most of us had never heard of this condition. So, not surprisingly, when the specialist said the words "there are no kidneys" to us, I immediately thought of them. This is a very rare condition, only the third I believe my OB has seen in his career, and Sarah is one of them. Sarah and I are friends. At the time, they lived on the next street over from us. We used to walk the neighborhood together with our kiddos. We go to the same church and attended the same MOPS group. So, I think it completely shocked everyone when our ultrasound showed the same thing. Here is a quick rundown from the March of Dimes website for more info. http://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/birthdefects_genital.html Both our babies have/had bilateral renal agenesis. We didn't realize, however, until last Monday that the similarities seem to stop there. According to what I know from Sarah and our shared OB, everything about Sarah during her pregnancy was completely normal, whereas two of my pregnancy hormone levels are wildly elevated, indicating more problems. If I remember correctly, Carter's only issue was the lack of kidneys, and as I've posted last week, there appear to be many problems with our little one, indicative of a trisomy, or chromosomal abnormality. Here is a link to Sarah's blog. She did such a beautiful job in writing their story and has allowed me to share the link with you. I have found it helpful to read again, now that I'm on the other side of the fence, but I know many people have said to me that it is also easier for them to know a little bit better how to support us since we've faced this as a community before.
http://www.sarah-westfall.blogspot.com/
4. Have you read the book _________?
*I am so thankful for all the suggestions of different resources many people have given. I have recently finished Angie Smith's "I Will Carry You." It is not for the faint of heart, and I quickly learned not to read it in front of anyone...only after a severe breakdown in front of the kids. Totally freaked Maggie out. So, I would read it during naptimes, etc and allow myself to let grief enter in during the moments I wasn't required to be "all together" for the kids. It was so helpful in showing how their family dealt with the same situation we are going through, and helped me to sort through emotions and ideas that need to be dealt with.
Just today, I finished "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I'm going to seriously recommend this book to everyone! It was beautiful and gave me such a sense of peace about our loving God and heavenly Father...the father that will be caring for my sweet baby soon. But, it is good for anyone in any life situation...I just loved it!
So, I would love to hear any other recommendations you might have. Please pass them along!
*Prayer request: I am getting pretty apprehensive about traveling for Christmas. Even though I am really looking forward to being with my family, it's just the fear about being gone and something happening. I cannot control what is happening to my baby, so I guess I'm trying to give myself a false sense of control in that I want to be here. With my doctor. With my church family and best friends when we have to go through this. Like I've written before, I just pray with all that's in me that God will allow us to get through the holidays with our Elijah with us.*
The daily antics of our little family as we seek to live, love and serve the most amazing God.
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