Looking toward the Light

Hard to comprehend that it has been two weeks since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet little man. While I originally thought we were doing so well with everything, I am beginning to second guess myself these last few days. Seems that while life around me has gone back to "normal," I feel anything but. I had one of my hardest times emotionally last night. The ache to hold Elijah and the pain of missing him finally hit me hard. I guess we've been so busy and my mind just hasn't really grasped what has happened until now. I've never known such a deep, desperate kind of pain. While I still hold firm to the hope I have in Christ and the joy of knowing Elijah is healthy and happy in heaven, my heart is broken. I was thinking last night about how ironic it is that I have my "hands full" with two amazing kids, but my arms feel so empty at the same time, without Elijah to hold.

I have also started to feel old insecurities creep up, as I fear that I am sucking the life out of everything and everyone when I feel down. No one has ever made me feel that way, but the enemy is messing with my head, telling me I should be dealing with everything better, and people are going to expect me to be over it already. I know that's a lie. I have the best friends and family, who are nothing but supportive. It simply stinks to have to mess with these attacks while I'm coping with everything else. Maybe you could join me in praying against the lies and attacks of Satan.  

On a more positive note, the kids and I have truly enjoyed his beautiful weather. We spent time at the park and picnicking with friends yesterday, and today, I filled up their sand table.  While they played, I soaked up some sun and did some garden therapy. Honestly, there is something so therapeutic about getting your hands in the dirt.  As I saw all those little green leaves sprouting from the ground, I couldn't help but think of the promise of Spring.  The evidence that God is always at work....He doesn't forget, or miss a beat.  He is faithful to bring us new life after a long, cold winter.  It is the same that I believe He will do with my grief.  It may be a period of darkness, but there is hope of the Light.  His mercies are new every morning, and I am so so thankful. 

1 Peter 5:10

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.