Authenticity

Well, hope you're comfy.  God has laid this on my heart to write and it seems it's going to be a long one....here's a glimpse into my heart.

Since late last summer, God has sprinkled the word Authenticity all over my life. It first grabbed hold of me as we prepared for our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) year.  We held an overnight retreat where we planned, bonded and set our vision for ministry to the mothers whom God would send our way.  For some reason, this word authenticity hit me like a ton of bricks.  I read several of the devotions on the MOPS site about it, and could not wait to share this fascinating concept of truly being who God has made you to be. Obviously I didn't discover this concept, but God was about to open up my eyes to discovering it for myself.
Here is a small portion of what got my wheels turning:

Finding Real RelationshipsDo you long for real relationships? Moms especially face this longing. We feel lonely sometimes, but when we're with friends, we stuff our fears down inside ourselves, pretending that everything's okay when it isn't. We act like we know something even though we don't, because we think we should. We want to look good because that's how we think we need to look. In order to be liked. In order to not look stupid.
In the Gospel of John, Jesus told us to "know the truth" and promises that the "truth will set us free." The truth is, we are not perfect. And when we accept that fact, we are free to accept ourselves, both our strengths and our weaknesses. We're free to recognize where we need to grow, and to ask others for help in growing. We're free to be honest and vulnerable and real - with our families and with our friends.
At MOPS, "being real" is an important quality for moms to discover, especially in leadership, because authenticity encourages others to be more vulnerable and honest. Being real means admitting the brokenness that draws us closer to God and others.
Being real means that we understand our own feelings and frustrations, and therefore we are more accepting of other's feelings and frustrations. Being real deepens relationships.
Do you long for relationships that are more real? Be real first. It's contagious.

Well, this was music to my ears and water for my thirsty, uncertain, praying-for-real-best-friends, just-realizing-that-I-don't-have-to-be-perfect soul!  I wanted this! I wanted to be free to be myself! I wanted real, imperfect friends with whom I could "do life."  I wanted to get out from under the pressure to always appear like I had it all together, that I was in control, and that I had to live up to expectations so crazy, even the Lord must have been laughing at me.  I began to realize that I am who the "I AM" made me to be, and I didn't have to be who someone else wanted me to be, or who I thought I should be. 

Well, if that doesn't make me want to jump up and dance right now, I don't know what would!

So, the Lord began to show me areas that needed work, and where I needed to let go.  First things first.  Be open.  Be vulnerable.  Allow others to be who they truly are. 

Not even two weeks after this initial revelation, God answered a prayer I had been praying for two years....a best friend who would accept me for who I am and love me anyways.  After an initial day of spending time with our little ones at the zoo, where I blew my short fuse when Maggie jumped in the fountain and I had no extra clothes, I thought, well, she's seen me act like a jerk...I'm sure I messed this friendship up before it even got started.  Much to my amazement, she still liked me!  And, through her actions has taught me how to respond with more grace to my children, all the while knowing that even if I flub it up, I won't be judged or tossed aside because I'm a mess sometimes.  We all are, and now I am free to be a mess every once in a while, and I have been thanked by a few other women recently that I allowed them to be themselves too.  Praise the Lord!  This is real community!  This is real acceptance. 

Yesterday, while I was working on my Bible Study for the day from Beth Moore's Esther study,  I was struck again with this notion of being our true selves. She writes...

"I kept thinking how right Jesus was when He said that we who would be willing to know the truth would be set free by it (John 8:32).  He meant His truth, of course, but I started thinking how imprisoned we are by our unwillingness to tell the truth about ourselves.  To just be honest.  Authentic.  I'm not talking about making shocking confessions that make us feel better but devastate someone else.  I'm talking about simply being truthful about where we've come from...and where we hope we're going."

These moments of obvious "here's what God wants you to know" are just the bookends of the past 7 months that He has showered me with His love and His spirit, setting me free to be me, to love who I am, and to love my family more.  I vividly recall a moment when He helped me look at what I truly value.  Unfortunately, although my children are my life, they didn't seem to be my true first priority during my day.  I realized that I would get frustrated if they didn't act like I expected them (setting them up for failure with my "too high" standards for little kids) to or if they interrupted my plans.  Ouch.  Talk about taking a momma to her knees to beg forgiveness. He has entrusted me with these two precious babies, and I wasn't giving them the freeing opportunity to truly be themselves, mainly because I didn't know how to either.  Once I realized this major flaw in my mothering, it was literally as if a weight and an anxiety was lifted!  I no longer wake in the middle of the night with panic attacks, I no longer get all bent out of shape if I have to be alone with the kids all day and all night if Kyle is gone.  I use to fret about this and wonder how I would wrestle through the day.  But, God brought sheer joy out of my anxiety and uncertainty. And last fall, I began to truly and unashamedly find joy in being with my kids!  Now, don't get me wrong...I still have bad moments, and sometimes whole days,  but oh how I am being refined to purely love, accept and respond to my children, just as He responds to me.  Praise His Name!

Lastly, I want to suggest a book I've just started reading.  It is "How We Love Our Kids" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich..  I almost wonder if God literally threw it on Aunt Lynette's desk and said, "Send this to her also, she needs to read it!"  It is fantastic and has opened my eyes and heart to how we are called to love our children. 

Thanks for trudging through this hodge podge of understanding and growth with me.  I hope that whoever God needed me to share this with is truly blown away at His acceptance, love and desire for them to be who He most purposely made them to be!